Book Review

     Donald A. Wollheim is mostly known for being a mid-century science-fiction editor and publisher. His dispute with J.R.R. Tolkien is legendary. Wollheim was so in love with Tolkien’s writings that he wanted to publish themas paperbacks. But the great fantasy author had better judgment about writing then then he did about the publishing industry in his day. Tolkien was insulted, thinking of that format as being reserved only for the lowest forms of literature. The world can thank Wollheim for winning the argument because if he hadn’t, Tolkien’s works would never have reached the mass appeal they have to this day. Aside from publishing, Wollheim also tried his hand at writing a few short novels. The Secret Of the Ninth Planet is said to be his best. If that is true then his other novels aren’t worth reading. With a little more effort, this book could have been mediocre, but the author didn’t quite make it to that level of quality.

At the start, a high school student named Burl Denning and his father are doing archaeological work in the mountains of Peru. But something startling happens. The sun goes behind a cloud and the temperature becomes slightly cooler. You might ask yourself why this is such a shock and you might find that there is no good answer. It’s not like such a thing never happens. Before you know it, a plane flies over them and drops a metal tube with a message in it especially for them. It is from the American government who say that some dudes in outer space are stealing sunlight from Earth and their sun-tapper plant is within walking distance of Burl and his father. They must immediately go there and blow it up or the planet will perish.

So Burl and his dad take off to find this place. They blast a hole in the wall because archaeologists always carry high-powered explosives in their backpacks wherever they go. Inside they find some machinery made out of metal domes, disks, and rods. Immediately they know what they have to do. They take out their rifles and start shooting in every direction. This isn’t without its risks. I mean you don’t just walk into a power station and start shooting. Who knows what could be in those domes. They were lucky they weren’t full of explosives. They didn’t even check to see if there were space alien security guards with laser guns or something. The ricocheting bullets could have lodged on their brains or blown their balls off. All the machinery did shut down, though, and Earth was safe once again. Then Burl touched one of the globes and got a jolt of energy. From then on he had that special kind of glow, not that he needed it because he really was a special kind of guy all along.

Back at a California air force base, the government told Burl he had to go to outer space. See, that special glow he obtained meant he was special in another way. It didn’t turn him gay or anything, it just meant that he was the only one who could turn off these sun-tapping machines. The scientists had discovered that every planet housed a sun-tapping plant so Burl and his crew would have to fly through space and destroy each one before all the energy got drained from the sun, causing the universe to die. This sounded like a lot of responsibility for a pimply faced teenager with raging hormones but Burl was up to the task. After all, there couldn’t be anything more exciting than being a fresh-faced young guy on a spaceship full of macho astronauts. A rocket ship is long, hard, and full of astronauts unlike a submarine which is long, hard, and full of seamen.

The action stays exciting until the crew leaves Mars. By action I mean landing on Mercury, Venus, and Mars to locate the sun-tappers. They shoot these places up and haul ass to get out. Mars is the only planet that is inhabited by anything that isn’t slime and the astronauts almost lose their lives escaping from the mob of angry Martians. This section of the book has some imaginative descriptions and the majority of the novel’s action. After that they just fly around space, dropping nuclear bombs and shooting their guns. The Mars expedition is the peak of the excitement and it feels as though Wollheim ran out of ideas at that point.

Finally the crew lands on Pluto and the secret scheme of the nefarious Plutonians is revealed. The climax had some potential for saving this flailing piece of crap of a story but it just came off as silly, cheesy, and pretentious. The abrupt ending made it seem like Wollheim finished quickly because he some more urgent business to attend to, like getting home on time to avoid missing the beginning of Leave It to Beaver.

The Secret Of the Ninth Planet gets off to a good start, even if it is a bit goofy. Wollheim just couldn’t keep the whole thing going. It’s kind of like watching a porno where the guy has trouble finishing at the end while his partner lays on her back with a bored look of annoyance on her face that says “Just get it over with already. I have to make a phone call.” Donald Wollheim made a good decision in directing all his energies towards publishing. He didn’t quite have what it takes to be a good writer. And the next time some space monsters start diverting sunlight from Earth, we should thank them instead of killing them. We’re getting roasted this summer because of global warming while California, Oregon, and a couple Greek islands are literally on fire. Greenland and the polar icecaps are melting and they have just discovered a new hole in the ozone layer over the Arctic Sea. Next time the climate starts to cool down by a notch, just leave it the fuck alone.

Wollheim, Donald A. The Secret Of the Ninth Planet. Paperback Library Inc., New York: 1965.